What the Heck am I doing?
I'm scared! I'm scared I'm doing the right thing. I'm scared that even though I'm doing the right thing that I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm scared to be by myself. I'm scared to do a really good job because it means I made the right decision; and I'm scared to do a crappy job because it means I'm not even trying. I'm scared! I'm scared to let Doug go. I'm scared to move on because it hurts too much. I'm scared that God is going to put someone else wonderful in my life and I'm going to feel guilty because my heart still yearns for who I can't have in my life. I scared I'll feel like I lost a part of my heart by letting go. I'm scared God's plans are bigger and better than my own, because that will mean that the shoes I have to fill are huge! I'm scared to cry because it shows that I'm still hurting. I'm scared of the dark because of what is hidden there, but I'm scared of the light because of what might be revealed. I'm scared of the silence because it's so empty it's completely full. I'm scared of my thoughts because they hurt so much!
I truly feel like Peter for the first time in my life. I just finished reading Matthew 14 again. Jesus has just found out that His beloved cousin and friend, John the Baptist has been killed. He lost a true believer, a brother, and a friend-- yet the crowd finds Him and He doesn't turn away. He has compassion on them. He love them, He heals them, and all in a state of mourning. "Let the dead bury their dead." Once we've left this life, there is nothing we can do but praise God that He has taken His child home. Yet, Jesus knew the souls of those 5,000+ were in need of His mercy, His grace, and His love. They needed Him and He was there. After caring for their needs, both physical and spiritual He sends the disciples out on the boat and sends the crowds home; and then Jesus heads to the mountain to pray.
When He's done, Jesus heads out onto the water, but not in a boat! He just starts walking across as the wind and the waves are beating on the boat of the disciples. They see Him coming across the water and get spooked. I can't blame them, I'd probably have been spooked myself, actually, I'd have been under a blanket so fast hiding, it wouldn't even be funny! But Peter calls out that if it really is Jesus for him and tell him to come. So Jesus did, he told him to come.
So this is where I come in. I did the same thing, I called God's bluff. God, if I'm supposed to be a DCE-- tell me-- Come. And He did. And I looked out over the edge of the boat and I grimmaced at Him, but I got out and started walking. But now, I feel like I'm treading water. I took the leap of faith-- I got out of the boat-- but I started to see everything swelling up around me. I'm in need of His hand, which is reaching out toward me, but I'm fighting it like a drowning kid fighting the life guard. I'm still holding on to what I thought I had.
I know where my faith lies-- but when you don't know what's ahead it's easier to look at the small picture (the water beneath your feet)-- and say "What the HECK am I doing standing on water?! I should NOT be here!" At this point you can't even see Jesus face right in front of you. You're batting His hand away as you fight the waves around you. You begin to sink into the water, your toes then your ankles get wet and before you know it you're waist deep and panic sets in. But you don't stay there long. Jesus reaches forward and picks Peter up and carries him into the boat, and the storm calms. "Oh Ye of little faith," He says softly as He shakes His head and looks down at you.
Even though Peter fell, Jesus knew what to do with him. Even though I fought God on coming here, I know that He's picking me up, even though I'm still holding on to my own desires. I'm thankful that it's Jesus hand reaching out though! Imagine it's simply a lifeline that one of the disciples throws out to Peter. He grabs on and gets back in the boat, but they still have to fight to keep the boat afloat and for it not to turn in the waves and be thrown over so they all drown. Thankfully, it's Jesus! When He picks us up, He gets into the boat and calms the storm. You have rest! You have encouragement! And you have Love!
So, even though I'm scared and I know how much I'm struggling-- I know who is on the other end of the hand reaching out to me. Praise God for solid water! Praise God for leaps of faith! Praise God for the promise of calmed storms!
I truly feel like Peter for the first time in my life. I just finished reading Matthew 14 again. Jesus has just found out that His beloved cousin and friend, John the Baptist has been killed. He lost a true believer, a brother, and a friend-- yet the crowd finds Him and He doesn't turn away. He has compassion on them. He love them, He heals them, and all in a state of mourning. "Let the dead bury their dead." Once we've left this life, there is nothing we can do but praise God that He has taken His child home. Yet, Jesus knew the souls of those 5,000+ were in need of His mercy, His grace, and His love. They needed Him and He was there. After caring for their needs, both physical and spiritual He sends the disciples out on the boat and sends the crowds home; and then Jesus heads to the mountain to pray.
When He's done, Jesus heads out onto the water, but not in a boat! He just starts walking across as the wind and the waves are beating on the boat of the disciples. They see Him coming across the water and get spooked. I can't blame them, I'd probably have been spooked myself, actually, I'd have been under a blanket so fast hiding, it wouldn't even be funny! But Peter calls out that if it really is Jesus for him and tell him to come. So Jesus did, he told him to come.
So this is where I come in. I did the same thing, I called God's bluff. God, if I'm supposed to be a DCE-- tell me-- Come. And He did. And I looked out over the edge of the boat and I grimmaced at Him, but I got out and started walking. But now, I feel like I'm treading water. I took the leap of faith-- I got out of the boat-- but I started to see everything swelling up around me. I'm in need of His hand, which is reaching out toward me, but I'm fighting it like a drowning kid fighting the life guard. I'm still holding on to what I thought I had.
I know where my faith lies-- but when you don't know what's ahead it's easier to look at the small picture (the water beneath your feet)-- and say "What the HECK am I doing standing on water?! I should NOT be here!" At this point you can't even see Jesus face right in front of you. You're batting His hand away as you fight the waves around you. You begin to sink into the water, your toes then your ankles get wet and before you know it you're waist deep and panic sets in. But you don't stay there long. Jesus reaches forward and picks Peter up and carries him into the boat, and the storm calms. "Oh Ye of little faith," He says softly as He shakes His head and looks down at you.
Even though Peter fell, Jesus knew what to do with him. Even though I fought God on coming here, I know that He's picking me up, even though I'm still holding on to my own desires. I'm thankful that it's Jesus hand reaching out though! Imagine it's simply a lifeline that one of the disciples throws out to Peter. He grabs on and gets back in the boat, but they still have to fight to keep the boat afloat and for it not to turn in the waves and be thrown over so they all drown. Thankfully, it's Jesus! When He picks us up, He gets into the boat and calms the storm. You have rest! You have encouragement! And you have Love!
So, even though I'm scared and I know how much I'm struggling-- I know who is on the other end of the hand reaching out to me. Praise God for solid water! Praise God for leaps of faith! Praise God for the promise of calmed storms!
posted by Kristy Laughed @ 11:19 AM
1 comments
