Frustrated

Last nite was a very rough nite. Hannie, when you read this, I apologize for not coming back to AIM, I wound up talking to parents and then my kids showed up so I wasn't back in my office.

I've really been struggling with some of my junior highers lately, especially the boys, and their inability to show respect to each other, to myself, or to things. I've had a group that has been taking food out of the church kitchen from the pre-school, I've had them hitting each other and breaking things, they're not trowing away their trash after they eat at the youth house, and a couple of my sixth graders simply refuse to pay attention.

In the last week it has all come to a point where I'm sick of it. I told my class last nite that if they could not allow me to get through the materials and not talk over me, I was calling parents and I wasn't putting up with it anymore. All was going well, except for one of my favorite kids was simply driving me up a wall trying to challenge him. When I told him that I was going to call his parents, he didn't care. He refuses to admit that he's being disruptive to the class, and quite honestly, I was ticked! He was pushing my buttons on purpose and that really erked me. Finally I looked at him and told him that if calling his parents wasn't going to bother him, and if he wasn't going to come to class with an attitude that will allow others to learn even if he doesn't want to, that we'd talk about whether he was ready to be in the class or if one of his parents had to come and sit with him throughout class. The last part seemed to finally catch his attention, and it killed me. I know that parents struggle with this, because when you care, you have to lay down boundaries and stick with them; but it doesn't mean that you like doing it. You wish they would simply do it on their own, but they can't. That's why they need people to do it for them.

I talked to Hannie, and she told me that it sounded like I did the right thing. I know that I needed to do it, and I have to call his mom today and let her know what's going on; but it still breaks my heart.

When I talked to Doug last night, I was so frustrated that I was literally shaking. At first he was really getting on my nerves because Confirmation is something that we disagree on. He doesn't see the need for the kids to go through this. He started going on some speel about how you can't expect kids are going to have bad days and be active and that it's just Church, and I very frustratingly told him that I wasn't listening to him anymore. He kept talking and I had to say it again. Finally he got quiet and let me talk.

I was so frustrated I was crying. I told him that Confirmation is voluntary. We don't force the kids to do this, but we have Confirmation so that these kids have a better foundation of what they believe in so it's not simply blind faith, and so they can see what God has done for them and not something they say simply because their parents say they are. And I've been having trouble with this kid in class for weeks! It wasn't just one bad day. I was shaking so bad that he could tell over the phone. I told him that him discounting what I teach is like people saying that the military is a conspiracy and not worth crap, and what do we REALLY need them for; and that people actually do say that. Then he felt like a jerk and apologized. I think last nite, I finally was able to make him understand just a little bit about why we have Confirmation and it's importance to me. He let me vent for a long time and after I explained what had happened he supported me and said that it sounded like I did the right thing, and that disciplining is never easy. I wanted him to understand, but I wasn't going to try and battle with him either, I'd done enough of that with my kids... but when he let me talk... he let me TALK and he listened. I needed that last nite, and when it happened it was good. I'm so thankful that God has put Doug in my life because even though I was still worn down, well... I still am even today... that Doug'll let me say what I need to say and once he realizes where I'm at, he seems to know what to do to help me debrief and regroup. I love that about him. I appreciate that about him.

I'm still frustrated with the situation with my kids, and I know it's because I care about them and I want them to get something out of what we're doing. I pray that God will give me the strength to do this.

A Wise Man Once Said...

At my granduation from college in 2000, my aunt gave me a letter on beautiful handmade paper. As I read it, the heart and soul of what she'd written grabbed onto my heart. As I got to the end I realized that it was not a letter, but a quote by Walt Whitman, which I now share with you:

This is what you shall do~

Love the earth and sun and the animals; despise riches, give alms to everyone who asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue that concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told in school or church or in any book; dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a poem.

Now, take these words for what they're worth to you. For me they are worth much because as I read them, I see the heart of what Christ has called me to do, love what He has created, share what He has given me, let my heart soar and never look back because He's created me just the way He wanted to.

This is my aunt and I at my commissioning in Green Bay. I love my hair! 

Sung To!

Okay, I'm a cheeseball (with crackers if you ask Ames), but I love to be sung to. Doug knows this, and even though he doesn't have the greatest voice, it's the sweetest thing when he sings to me. So last night I was at my Mary Kay meeting and when I left I had three phone calls from him. I talked to a couple of my friends and then I called him a little after nine. At about 10 he turned on his radio and I could here him turning it up and then off. Then in the middle of our conversation he told me to listen. He had dedicated two songs to me on the Oldies station earlier that evening and they played both of them! While they were playing he sang to me. It was the cutest thing ever! I have to say, I have a really sweet boyfriend.

On a completely different note, it's getting cold! I'm not ready for the winter, but the leaves are beautiful. It's been a while since I've seen a real Fall and I kinda missed it a little.

Have a wonderful Fall day!

I'm Going to Let You Down

Alright, for all of my friends that I've made in Green Bay, seriously, I don't hate Green Bay. It's a beautiful town with a lot of history and character; but it's not my town. You may take a southern girl out of the south but you can't take the south out of a southern girl. It may sound cliche, but that's all there is to it.

Last nite I was talking to my grandparents and they are back on this frickin' kick that I'm some sort of prize grandchild. It's really irritating because they have no idea that I know that I'm in the wrong line of work as a professional churchworker, that I know I won't be leaving here to take another call... that I'll be leaving here to get married and that it's not going to be years down the road, that I will be moving back south, and from the sounds of it more than likely back to Oklahoma.

The last couple of years my family and I have done nothing but disappoint my grandparents. Two Christmases ago my aunt and uncle announced their divorce on Christmas Day to my grandparents. Then once the divorce went through my aunt annouced that she was quitting her current job, moving back to Austin, and getting her boobs done. That about gave them both a heart attack... but hey, my aunt finally quit smoking! Then because she was moving, Myria moved in with her boyfriend and his family. Let me tell you how that went over well. And let's top it off, I told them I wasn't taking a call, and that I didn't want to be a church worker. You'd think I'd driven the knife right into my grandma's heart! Until that point I had been their prize, I was the good kid, I was the churchworker... blah blah blah. Quite honestly, I was more irritated by my decision than I was excited, and it irritated me even more that other people were excited for me when I wasn't excited.

Now, let's go to what's going to happen this fall. Myria has moved back to Austin and has found out she's pregnant. Even though it's not the best thing or the best way for this to have happened, she's keeping the baby and we're excited for her! However, my grandparents are going to fall over dead. They'll find out after her four month check-up at the end of the month. Then, I'm going to revive them, simply to give them another heart attack when they find out about Doug. Up until this point there has been no need to let them know about him because it wasn't serious, and hey, I left so we were supposed to be done...right?! Well, apparently that's not the way it's working.

So, in November, when I break it to my grandparents that I have a serious boyfriend and that he's in OKC, I'm going to be in need to protection. Hey, it may even help take some of the heat off of Myria. Maybe Caiti can be the good grandchild for once, or they can go back to just liking Natan and Madison. However, I'm sick of being the "prize." I didn't even go through this training for them; I went through it because I felt God calling me in this way... but even with an outside call and the desire to serve the Lord, if you just don't like the job, you just don't like the job. It has nothing to do with a bad congregation. The congregation is great. I have wonderful and supportive staff and people... but like I said in May... my heart isn't in it and I shouldn't have listened to what I didn't want to hear. Now, I have to look towards moving forward and waiting for the time to come when I can move on.

Either way, as much as I love my grandparents, I know that I'm going to let them down. But here's the thing... I have to live with the decisions I make, not them. And if I'm not serving God with my heart then I'm serving in vain! This is not a job of glory, nor should it be; and it really ticks me off that my grandparents seem to think that this somehow makes me or them better people! I'm going to let you down, because I need to find a way to serve that I'm serving others and not serving self-righteous desires of someone else. So girls, be ready, because the next year or so is going to fly by, and I'm coming home!

Please Excuse

If you read my last post, you're probably thinking I'm a disgruntled postal worker or something. I'm really not, and I really don't hate my job; I'm very simply homesick. People in the north are nice people, it's simply the attitude is different and it's been very hard for me to adjust to. It doesn't help that a large portion of the people I care about live in OKC or TX. Anyway, I'll eventually get over myself I'm sure. However, I still don't think that my life in WI is going to be a very long one. Probably 2 years, maybe 3... and it's already going by fast. I want to live in a place that I can call home and want to call home.

Last nite Doug called me after I'd gone to bed... in his defense it was only 11pm and I'm normally up, but I had crashed. Anyway, we wound up talking until after 1am. I don't know how in the world we can talk so long and so much to each other. I used to talk to Paul (my best friend from TX) just about everyday, but never for four hours at a time! Doug decided last nite that if neither of us were married by the time he turns 30 that we're getting married. I just laughed. Holy cow! If I'm going to marry him, I'm not waiting until I'm 30 to do it. Sorry! That's like 7 years from now, and a little ridiculus!

He told me that we remind him a lot of his mom and step-dad and how they could always talk about anything and everything and that I have all the qualities he wants in a wife. He hasn't actually said it but I know that he thinks about the possibility of marrying me. I know that I've thought about the possibility of marrying him and what that would mean. It's pretty crazy!

Hanni~ I promise that I'm not getting engaged in Nov! He has to pass my Aunt Chris first; which even though he doesn't seem to nervous about doing, it's probably going to be next summer at the earliest, which means we'll have been together over a year. If we're still together that far down the road then it's definitely time for him to meet the family and for them to give their approval or not. I did tell him that he's lucky I'd already bought my ticket when I talked to Myria a couple days ago, or I'd have gone to see her instead. He actually offered to drive me to Austin, but I'm not going to be in town long enough for that to truly be worth it. I'd love to see her and how she's doing, but I'll wait until New Year's and hopefully she'll be in WY for my grandparents anniversary.

Well, it's off to lunch.

I'd Rather Be Waitressing

This past weekend I went shopping with Jaki, one of my pastors' wives. She's an absolute sweetheart and I don't know what I would do without her here because she's the only other person I know who didn't grow up in WI and stay here. While we were shopping we talked about some of our frustrations with WI.

Let me explain this phenomenon to you: No one moves to Wisconsin from other places and no one here leaves! Jaki's husband is actually from a town about 40 minutes south of here, my other Pastor and his family are from Wisconsin and Indiana at the farthest! The congregation is basically a cycle, people leave to go to another congregation and then come back, but they never really leave the area and transfers in are simply from another WI church! I know one family who left to live in Georgia, wound up only staying like 6 months and besides that have been here forever!

There is only one other girl my age in the congregation who isn't married and has kids. Everyone else is away at college and those who are my age just don't exist I guess, or they're married. Everyone here is very family oriented, which is good; don't get me wrong. But they don't really reach out past that! Besides Audrey in my congregation, there is a girl Kellie who I met. She's 21 and not married, but still lives at home and has never lived anywhere else. Even Audrey is basically from this area and goes home on a lot of the weekends.

Anyway, Jaki and I were talking about how she and her husband after only 6 months were ready to take a call somewhere else. It took 2 years, but then they left. I confided in her that I really have no desire to stay here, that I really don't like it here. I hate the north. I miss the south. I miss the southern hospitality. I miss the southern 'we're all family'. I'm not a Yankee and haven't been for ages. I can't stand it. This isn't home. There is no feeling of comfort here, there is no feeling of peace, no feeling that if I were to be in my own home that I'd feel at home. I really have no desire to buy a house here like I'd planned because that would mean long term, and I won't be here long.

I know in my heart it's only a matter of time before God allows me to come home to the south. I don't fit here. Even when I try to I feel like an intruder for not having family here or for not having my own family that I can spend time with because that's what they do here. Jaki told me that these had been some of their concerns but that apparently my interview outweighed the possibility that I wouldn't want to stay. I know that they want a female on staff because our pastor's are so young and the congregation feels the need to have someone who can reach the women of the congregation. However, they need someone who is married, maybe even started a family, or from this area. It's the culture of this congregation.

I should have gone with my gut feeling when I made my decision to come here. I should have stayed put because now I feel guilty for the idea that I know I won't be here long. I'm already thinking in my mind what will happen when it's time and how will the congregation react, and how to encourage them to seek out God's will for a DCE that will fit the needs and desires of the congregation and fit into the culture of this state. I feel like I was talked into coming here and that I should stuck with what I wanted. I'd honestly rather be waitressing most days than doing this. I really don't think I'm cut out for this. I know this sounds horrible and mean, but I just don't think I have the patience for this job, nor the desire to do the office work, or deal with people who lack common sense. I may have been hurt by my internship congregation, but I was at least close to them and felt connected, and I feel very discombobulated here.

Until it's time, I'm going to give it to God and ask that He work through me because I don't feel I can. But when it's time to go, I hate to say it but I don't know that I'll look back. God send me South!