The Saga Continues

Ah....Life! It's an uphill battle with all sorts of fun obsticales on the way. I was just reading a friends blog about her desire to be accountable about weight and actually doing something about it. For those of you who know me, weight has always been a struggle but it's something that I feel I can overcome. When I move to GB I had a hard time adjusting... a new job, a new house, a much more hectic schedule, knowing no one, and dealing with a break-up. Over the last couple of years I've been off and on Weight Watchers, but didn't really commit to it like I had in OKC.

Thankfully God has given me that courage again. See, I think it's rather ironic that so many church workers are over weight. It may not seem so bad, but it's like we are wearing our sin on our sleeves...or on our thighs! We encourage families to take time for themselves and we talk about how glutteny is a sin, but then we put very unhealthy foods in our body because we don't prioritize well and remember that our bodies are temples to the Lord.

Last Aug. I decided it was time to rejoin WW and do it... lose or gain... struggle or easy... I'm in. It's been slower this time because I've allowed it to be. I'm trying to truly instill in my life healthy habits for my body and not just "lose the weight." I can honestly say that in the last several months I've grown tremediously in how I view food. I've noticed when I'm eating because it's there and not because I actually want it. I've began planning more, making eating at home more of a priority and being forthright with people about my struggles and where I'm going.

So last night another friend of mine who recently got married asked how I was doing on WW. Her husband is an amazing guy and loves her no matter her size. Whenever she brings up that she's unhappy he says he will do whatever she needs, but that she's happy with her how she is. She had joined with me before her wedding but because her finace (at the time) loved her how she was she decided it wasn't important.

She is planning on joining with me again and I hope that she does. But I also hope that she comes at it with the right mindset. It's hard but so many times we're like... well maybe 10lbs. Or we put time limits or "if I don't do this then I'm done" or we fail one day and give up on the rest. But I've learned it's not like that and I need to not allow others mindsets to become mine. It's a journey that is going to take a while. I set goals, but I'm not freaked out if it's not exact because I know the circumstances that may have made part of the journey longer and what makes other parts fly by! As long as I stay on the road, I'm not worried if I have to build a bridge along the way.

They say that having a friend there to support you is helpful. And I agree. But I've had friends join with me and their hearts weren't in it and I wound up following them down the undone path back to where I was.

And even more so, my best support has come in the form of one of my "skinny" friends. She's amazing. She was there with me the first time through and was an amazing encouragement. And now, even though she's over 1,000 miles away she is still one of my biggest encouragers. She is there when I need the extra push to go to the gym after a long day or for ideas or for verbal "go-get-it-ness" and I appriciate it. She helps me visualize where I'll be and that's nice because sometimes it's hard to get there on your own. And she's always there to celebrate even the smallest of successes.

And today I am celebrating! Yesterday afternoon I accomplished something besides losing weight. For the first time in a VERY long time (probably decades) I jogged an entire mile without stopping in just over 14 minutes. Now I understand that it isn't crazy fast, but I wasn't dead afterward. Actually I completed over 3.6 miles while I was out. But it was the fact that I was able to endure and reach my goal of not stopping.

So to all of my friends to whom weight is a struggle, I encourage you to celebrate the small steps and not let yourself be run down! And when you fall get back up and endure the race!

Passion of the Christ

So after talking to Hannah, she assured me that it's ok to play back-up blog as I actually have a lot I've wanted to write about and not had time.

So the Wednesday before Easter during the middle of Holy Week, I was with five of my youth and we watched the Passion of the Christ. I remember when this movie first came out. I went and saw it opening night, Ash Wednesday 2004... just over three years ago. That night was a very powerful night for me as would be this one. The Gospel stories are some of my favorite to read over and over again, but there is something very dissheveling about watching a reenactment of my Lord and Savior being beaten beyond recognition with Satan scoffing in the background. Talk about making your faith uncomfortable!

For four of my youth it was the first time they'd seen it. Three of which are brothers had started it, but once they realized it was in Aramaic and that it wasn't "entertaining" turned it off and replaced it with something. So this time, I forwarned them. This was not a popcorn and candy movie and that there were going to be very disturbing scenes that would make them feel uncomfortable in their own skin. And it did. But they watched... they asked questions... they noticed some of the inconsistencies which seemed to puzzle and almost irritate them.

Afterward, just like the night I'd seen it in the theatre it was silent. When we began talking about their questions and thoughts I could tell that they hadn't ever thought about this happening to someone in real life. So many movies have scenes where someone is beaten very badly, but this was striking because they know in their hearts that this happened to their Lord and that it wasn't under the careful supervision of a director and stunt coordinator.

What a way to start off the "celebration" of Holy Week! While it was only a few of us, I know for those youth it was something that they won't easily forget. That the images will sneak up on them and remind them of the intensity of what their Lord did for them.

So many times we have this pretty picture of Jesus... up on the cross... head bowed... eyes closed... but he's pretty. This was not a pretty picture of Jesus but an as real as we can probably get picture of Jesus. As we live in a media driven world where books are rarely read but pictures truly speak more than a thousand words, they have to be forever changed. Why? Because no one can hear the Word of God in any format and not be forced to make a decision. No one can hear the Word of God and not realize that they are in conflict with themselves. Sometimes the decisino is to try and ignore what we heard or say, but we can't. It's there. And in our hearts God is working, stirring our emotions, our realities, our logic and calls us to see what he was done for us. He's making us uncomfortable in the world so that we can be prepared for what is to come.

So get yourself uncomfortable. Allow his word to penetrate. And no matter where you are on your faith walk, God is working.

Whose faith are we living?

So I'm starting a Hot Topics Bible study once a month for my senior highers and our first one is "Whose faith are we living and why?" It's a topic that I've had private conversations with many of my youth about and I decided that it's something we can delve into more as a group. As I'm preparing for this Bible study for next week, I watched Sunday, a short film by Rob Bell from nooma. It begs the questions, why do we go to church?, who are we doing it for?, does God need us to give us time, money, resources, etc? The answer is of course no. But if the answer is no then what should we be doing and why? Does God need me to serve Him at Faith? No. But now that I've handed myself over to God FINALLY as his servant here it's obvious to me that he wanted me here and he wants me to want to be here.

The thing is that so many of us are brought up in a "Christian" home. We go to church every Sunday, our parents wrote a check out every week, they volunteered for everything they could and then of course volunteered us for everything. And now we do the same thing, but we aren't doing it with a servant heart we are doing it because we are supposed to.

But now here we are... grown up, out of college, working through our first years of being an "adult" all by ourselves, figuring out how to make it look like we are doing all of the things that we should be doing whether we are actually doing them or not. See, my sin is that I struggle with why I do or don't do things but never actually do anything to make it better. Or at least I hadn't until lately. My attitude was very much like the religious leaders in Jesus time. Or in the words of a Snowflower and the Secret Fan that I just finished reading, "Obey, Obey, Obey and then do what you want anyway."

Is this how we are "serving" God? Is this how we are "worshipping" God? Is this how we are "giving glory/credit" to God for who He is? If so then we are all like the "vipers" from Jesus time. We talk the talk but we aren't living the walk. Sometimes I think, just like some of my youth, I'm doing things because they are expected of me and not out of my love. I know that for a long time I was here because I know God was putting me here, but I didn't come with a happy, servant minded, grateful heart. I came with guilt, frustration, irritation, and a mindset of "fine, I'll do it but I'm not giving it my all." And now I see that.

Last fall I talked to one of my pastors about putting my name of the call list and he said something to me that really helped change my mindset. He said that if I felt that I could serve God happily somewhere else then I needed to let him send me there. My response was that I didn't want to leave the people that I love so dearly here and that I was really feeling like I was starting to make a connection with people but I still felt so far away from my family and I felt like I was missing a lot. He then responded with words of wisdom from his dad, "Don't be so selffish and conceited to think that God needs you here to serve His people. God doesn't need you here and if you aren't happy then he doesn't want you here either." (It was the same advice his father had given him during his first call right before he took the call here). And then he said, "If it's time to put your name on the call list then we will you and help you in every way in that endeavor, but if you chose to stay here then you needed to pour your heart into it and really be here."

Again, whose faith and I living and why? God and I are out the the honeymoon stage and into the real life marriage stage. It's no longer trying to please each other because that's what you do, but our relationship is in need of constant work and rejuvenation. It's a scarey thing to think about because it's not easy anymore, it's something that I have to give me heart to wholly and trust God more than anything or get out and admitt that I'm not who I say I am.

So last fall I decided that I'm in. That I love God and trust him and want to give my heart to his people here. I'm working to live the life of service that God has called and asked to me do. It's hard work because my faith isn't being automatically fed because I wake up and go to religion class like in college or because my friends and I are doing a Bible study together so I'm in a place where I'm surrounded by God in obvious ways. Now I have to make sure that I take time for God and that I'm not doing it because it's expected or feel guilty about but because in my heart I want more than anything to be a servant to God and his people and I want to give Glory/credit to his name!

My life with Christ is a marriage. It's a committment that will last forever, and even when I fail on my end my Christ will be a better spouse and do the work for me because he knows my heart. It's an amazing adventure that God has invited me to join him in and I accept the challenge. I know that it's a long hard challenge, but it's a challenge that I want to give my heart to and need to give my heart to because God has been more than amazing enough to ask me into his family!

So whose faith are we living and why? What makes us do the things that we are doing? How excited are we about the places that we are going?

Praise God that He is the King of my heart and will help it to expand and grow.