Men, Marriage, and Mid-20's Crisis

So last night I was talking to my dear friend Hannah. We were recapping our very adventurous weekends, mine: my cousins wedding and hers: sister's prom. Now, this might seem a little mundane, but for both of us this included a lot of planning and travel as we went to the ends of the earth (not really... but kinda) to see our families.

As we talked we began to talk about men and dating and eventual marriage. If you haven't seen 27 Dresses, it's been my life this year and has spurred some interesting conversations. First of all, I've been very excited for most of my friends who have gotten married because I think that God has truly been at work in their relationships and that they got married because they wanted to and not because they had to or felt some pressure from the world to be married. I also feel that the men that they've married have been assets to their lives and definitely not drains and that I see them having long healthy relationships with bumps and roadblocks, detours, and wonderful excitement.

While out with my aunt this last weekend, she pointed out the type of guy she had expected my cousin to marry, and we both commented that we really love Brian better! I couldn't ask for someone better for my cousin because he is amazing... and when he becomes famous he's going to buy me a new car, which is always a plus. So then I asked her what kind of guy she sees me with. She commented that she hasn't seen him yet because all the guys she might see me with are way to serious and she knows that I'm going to need a guy with a bit of quirky funny to keep me from being high strung.

Enter the late night conversation last night. As crazy as this may sound I know that I'm going to wind up with some weird guys guy... Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen type. He's going to be quirky cute, with an obnoxious sense of humor, ridiculus friends, who will keep me planted because when it comes down to it he's got a good heart and the ability to make real decisions despite what people might think. I definitely won't be able to let him spend too much time with my youth because he will teach them how to get away with all the things that I pray they are smart enough to stay away from, and at the same time he will laugh at me and tell me they will turn out just fine. When I get all nervous or irritated or crazy mad about something he'll remind me that it's not the end of the world. And when I make rash decisions he'll be there to help me sort out what the heck I was thinking. And when he needs to stand up and be a man, he'll do it because that's what he does and who he is.

It's kinda scary because I have said ever since If Lucy Fell... that I would probably be 30 before I got married... and well we are on the way there because I'm almost 26. It's a little weird because I'm more freaked out about this birthday while all of my friends had their freak outs last year. Not that I'm all "I'm old" or anything, it's just like I'm over the hump and it feels weird because it's really time to make adult decisions and I'm not a "kid" anymore. It's when hanging out at the bar scene becomes more like a sad pity place than something to do on the weekend. Not that it's a scene that I frequent, but now it doesn't even seem like an option because it seems pathetic.

My mother and my aunt were both done having kids by my age, and my mom was living what she didn't know were the last few years of her life... and here I am really just beginning my life. I have a feeling at that 32 is going to be a really rough year for me, but that's still 7 years from now. I know that it's a blessing to spend time here with friends and family and that I'm blessed in my life. Sometimes it would be nice to have someone to share those things with and sometime's I'm thankful that I can come home at night and be alone because I don't have to talk to anyone if I don't want to.

I guess my biggest concern is that as I get older and live more and more years by myself, how in the world will I ever adjust to someone else being in my house?! What if I actually have to pick up my house every night because otherwise it'll get twice as messy twice as fast? What if I actually have to take back the two pairs of shoes I bought because they looked really good on my feet, but we haven't bought groceries yet and he's not willing to eat frozen dinners til payday in exchange? What if he drinks all the milk when I want cereal? Seem like ridiculus thoughts but seriously?! And I just don't think it's going to get better as I spend more and more time not having to share. I'm slowly becoming like an only child who doesn't like to share and the longer I'm single and housemateless, the worse it's going to get. And I'm not having a housemate, because like I said, I don't share well especially since right now I dont' have to.

Well, that's enough rambling for one night.

Cool Digs

So tonight as I await a very long night I decided to check out a local used bookstore. To my joyous surprise they were featuring a local bluegrass band which was awesome, I love listening to the mandolin. And even better I found an old beautiful copy of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I've always loved this book since the first time I read it. I think I was like 12 or so, actually I think I was in 5th grade or so.. so maybe 10 or 11. Either way, I had to have it. I sat down in a comfy chair, listening to good music and started reading my once beloved childhood book. Now, it's been a long time since I've read this book, and honestly, even after the first chapter I can't believe this is a book my mother picked out and gave to me to read at such a young age! I obviously didn't catch on to everything that was happening in the book but I do know that there are some pretty intense themes.

Anyway, I'm totally excited to have found it. I also picked up another book by Chris Bohjalian who is an amazing author. He's written three of my favorite books, Midwives, The Double Bind, and Transister Radio. All very different, with great twists and some interesting outlooks (esp. Transister Radio). If you haven't read anything by him, I would strongly encourage it.

So here is a toast to my new fav. coffee shop and bookstore! I believe I will be headed back on the third sat. for some more wonderful live music. Ah, three fav. things, music, books, and tea!

The Saga Continues

Ah....Life! It's an uphill battle with all sorts of fun obsticales on the way. I was just reading a friends blog about her desire to be accountable about weight and actually doing something about it. For those of you who know me, weight has always been a struggle but it's something that I feel I can overcome. When I move to GB I had a hard time adjusting... a new job, a new house, a much more hectic schedule, knowing no one, and dealing with a break-up. Over the last couple of years I've been off and on Weight Watchers, but didn't really commit to it like I had in OKC.

Thankfully God has given me that courage again. See, I think it's rather ironic that so many church workers are over weight. It may not seem so bad, but it's like we are wearing our sin on our sleeves...or on our thighs! We encourage families to take time for themselves and we talk about how glutteny is a sin, but then we put very unhealthy foods in our body because we don't prioritize well and remember that our bodies are temples to the Lord.

Last Aug. I decided it was time to rejoin WW and do it... lose or gain... struggle or easy... I'm in. It's been slower this time because I've allowed it to be. I'm trying to truly instill in my life healthy habits for my body and not just "lose the weight." I can honestly say that in the last several months I've grown tremediously in how I view food. I've noticed when I'm eating because it's there and not because I actually want it. I've began planning more, making eating at home more of a priority and being forthright with people about my struggles and where I'm going.

So last night another friend of mine who recently got married asked how I was doing on WW. Her husband is an amazing guy and loves her no matter her size. Whenever she brings up that she's unhappy he says he will do whatever she needs, but that she's happy with her how she is. She had joined with me before her wedding but because her finace (at the time) loved her how she was she decided it wasn't important.

She is planning on joining with me again and I hope that she does. But I also hope that she comes at it with the right mindset. It's hard but so many times we're like... well maybe 10lbs. Or we put time limits or "if I don't do this then I'm done" or we fail one day and give up on the rest. But I've learned it's not like that and I need to not allow others mindsets to become mine. It's a journey that is going to take a while. I set goals, but I'm not freaked out if it's not exact because I know the circumstances that may have made part of the journey longer and what makes other parts fly by! As long as I stay on the road, I'm not worried if I have to build a bridge along the way.

They say that having a friend there to support you is helpful. And I agree. But I've had friends join with me and their hearts weren't in it and I wound up following them down the undone path back to where I was.

And even more so, my best support has come in the form of one of my "skinny" friends. She's amazing. She was there with me the first time through and was an amazing encouragement. And now, even though she's over 1,000 miles away she is still one of my biggest encouragers. She is there when I need the extra push to go to the gym after a long day or for ideas or for verbal "go-get-it-ness" and I appriciate it. She helps me visualize where I'll be and that's nice because sometimes it's hard to get there on your own. And she's always there to celebrate even the smallest of successes.

And today I am celebrating! Yesterday afternoon I accomplished something besides losing weight. For the first time in a VERY long time (probably decades) I jogged an entire mile without stopping in just over 14 minutes. Now I understand that it isn't crazy fast, but I wasn't dead afterward. Actually I completed over 3.6 miles while I was out. But it was the fact that I was able to endure and reach my goal of not stopping.

So to all of my friends to whom weight is a struggle, I encourage you to celebrate the small steps and not let yourself be run down! And when you fall get back up and endure the race!

Passion of the Christ

So after talking to Hannah, she assured me that it's ok to play back-up blog as I actually have a lot I've wanted to write about and not had time.

So the Wednesday before Easter during the middle of Holy Week, I was with five of my youth and we watched the Passion of the Christ. I remember when this movie first came out. I went and saw it opening night, Ash Wednesday 2004... just over three years ago. That night was a very powerful night for me as would be this one. The Gospel stories are some of my favorite to read over and over again, but there is something very dissheveling about watching a reenactment of my Lord and Savior being beaten beyond recognition with Satan scoffing in the background. Talk about making your faith uncomfortable!

For four of my youth it was the first time they'd seen it. Three of which are brothers had started it, but once they realized it was in Aramaic and that it wasn't "entertaining" turned it off and replaced it with something. So this time, I forwarned them. This was not a popcorn and candy movie and that there were going to be very disturbing scenes that would make them feel uncomfortable in their own skin. And it did. But they watched... they asked questions... they noticed some of the inconsistencies which seemed to puzzle and almost irritate them.

Afterward, just like the night I'd seen it in the theatre it was silent. When we began talking about their questions and thoughts I could tell that they hadn't ever thought about this happening to someone in real life. So many movies have scenes where someone is beaten very badly, but this was striking because they know in their hearts that this happened to their Lord and that it wasn't under the careful supervision of a director and stunt coordinator.

What a way to start off the "celebration" of Holy Week! While it was only a few of us, I know for those youth it was something that they won't easily forget. That the images will sneak up on them and remind them of the intensity of what their Lord did for them.

So many times we have this pretty picture of Jesus... up on the cross... head bowed... eyes closed... but he's pretty. This was not a pretty picture of Jesus but an as real as we can probably get picture of Jesus. As we live in a media driven world where books are rarely read but pictures truly speak more than a thousand words, they have to be forever changed. Why? Because no one can hear the Word of God in any format and not be forced to make a decision. No one can hear the Word of God and not realize that they are in conflict with themselves. Sometimes the decisino is to try and ignore what we heard or say, but we can't. It's there. And in our hearts God is working, stirring our emotions, our realities, our logic and calls us to see what he was done for us. He's making us uncomfortable in the world so that we can be prepared for what is to come.

So get yourself uncomfortable. Allow his word to penetrate. And no matter where you are on your faith walk, God is working.

Whose faith are we living?

So I'm starting a Hot Topics Bible study once a month for my senior highers and our first one is "Whose faith are we living and why?" It's a topic that I've had private conversations with many of my youth about and I decided that it's something we can delve into more as a group. As I'm preparing for this Bible study for next week, I watched Sunday, a short film by Rob Bell from nooma. It begs the questions, why do we go to church?, who are we doing it for?, does God need us to give us time, money, resources, etc? The answer is of course no. But if the answer is no then what should we be doing and why? Does God need me to serve Him at Faith? No. But now that I've handed myself over to God FINALLY as his servant here it's obvious to me that he wanted me here and he wants me to want to be here.

The thing is that so many of us are brought up in a "Christian" home. We go to church every Sunday, our parents wrote a check out every week, they volunteered for everything they could and then of course volunteered us for everything. And now we do the same thing, but we aren't doing it with a servant heart we are doing it because we are supposed to.

But now here we are... grown up, out of college, working through our first years of being an "adult" all by ourselves, figuring out how to make it look like we are doing all of the things that we should be doing whether we are actually doing them or not. See, my sin is that I struggle with why I do or don't do things but never actually do anything to make it better. Or at least I hadn't until lately. My attitude was very much like the religious leaders in Jesus time. Or in the words of a Snowflower and the Secret Fan that I just finished reading, "Obey, Obey, Obey and then do what you want anyway."

Is this how we are "serving" God? Is this how we are "worshipping" God? Is this how we are "giving glory/credit" to God for who He is? If so then we are all like the "vipers" from Jesus time. We talk the talk but we aren't living the walk. Sometimes I think, just like some of my youth, I'm doing things because they are expected of me and not out of my love. I know that for a long time I was here because I know God was putting me here, but I didn't come with a happy, servant minded, grateful heart. I came with guilt, frustration, irritation, and a mindset of "fine, I'll do it but I'm not giving it my all." And now I see that.

Last fall I talked to one of my pastors about putting my name of the call list and he said something to me that really helped change my mindset. He said that if I felt that I could serve God happily somewhere else then I needed to let him send me there. My response was that I didn't want to leave the people that I love so dearly here and that I was really feeling like I was starting to make a connection with people but I still felt so far away from my family and I felt like I was missing a lot. He then responded with words of wisdom from his dad, "Don't be so selffish and conceited to think that God needs you here to serve His people. God doesn't need you here and if you aren't happy then he doesn't want you here either." (It was the same advice his father had given him during his first call right before he took the call here). And then he said, "If it's time to put your name on the call list then we will you and help you in every way in that endeavor, but if you chose to stay here then you needed to pour your heart into it and really be here."

Again, whose faith and I living and why? God and I are out the the honeymoon stage and into the real life marriage stage. It's no longer trying to please each other because that's what you do, but our relationship is in need of constant work and rejuvenation. It's a scarey thing to think about because it's not easy anymore, it's something that I have to give me heart to wholly and trust God more than anything or get out and admitt that I'm not who I say I am.

So last fall I decided that I'm in. That I love God and trust him and want to give my heart to his people here. I'm working to live the life of service that God has called and asked to me do. It's hard work because my faith isn't being automatically fed because I wake up and go to religion class like in college or because my friends and I are doing a Bible study together so I'm in a place where I'm surrounded by God in obvious ways. Now I have to make sure that I take time for God and that I'm not doing it because it's expected or feel guilty about but because in my heart I want more than anything to be a servant to God and his people and I want to give Glory/credit to his name!

My life with Christ is a marriage. It's a committment that will last forever, and even when I fail on my end my Christ will be a better spouse and do the work for me because he knows my heart. It's an amazing adventure that God has invited me to join him in and I accept the challenge. I know that it's a long hard challenge, but it's a challenge that I want to give my heart to and need to give my heart to because God has been more than amazing enough to ask me into his family!

So whose faith are we living and why? What makes us do the things that we are doing? How excited are we about the places that we are going?

Praise God that He is the King of my heart and will help it to expand and grow.

I finally got back in!

So it's been well... over a year since I've written! But I promise it's not my fault! When blogger went over to google, it messed all my stuff up and I couldn't log in! But now I'm back. I can't believe that I haven't written in so long! I was looking back at some of my last posts and so much has happened since then! Avery is almost 2 years old and she is beautiful and funny and drives her mother nuts! And Myria and Brian are getting married in April and I'm so excited for them! I've also been blessed with a godson, Christian, who shares my name... well, kinda. So now I have my girl and my boy!

I've also been blessed to see two of my favorite friends get married to men that I believe are stand-up men and who are blessing and answers to prayers for my friends! It's so exciting to see God join two people together... almost as cool as seeing someone be bapized. I know that there is a lot of skeptism about marriage and all I have to say is that I pray God be with my friends in their marriages and that He bless them as they are joined together in His name!

Besides that I've been to Panama (PHENOMINAL) and several other family fun trips. I've gotten to see my brother again as he was in Wyoming when I went home for Thanksgiving last year and he's coming to Myria and Brian's wedding! Hooray! And I've been in a little bit of contact with my sister, which is good. She got married and that seems bizairre but what can you do?

I've finally really committed myself to being in Green Bay. It's been almost three years and things are really showing some improvement... one of those things being myself. While this has been the worst winter in decades and we are less than 5 inches from a record snow fall, things are good here. I'm finally feeling like I have a family at church, I'm developing some friendships that I feel are true friends and not just people to do stuff with. And I'm finally starting to come into my own a little bit here.

I'm back to cooking! Oh how I missed it! I hate putting on weight and I did for a while because I was unhappy and felt alone and ate out a lot because it was easier. But last fall I recommitted myself to Weight Watchers and am down almost 20lbs again which is wonderful and makes me excited because I can't stand where I'm at. But it's all part of the journey. I'm 25 and most of the time happily single, but I've got my doubts about what I'm doing with my life like every 25 year old.

But I feel blessed! I know that God is doing some amazing things in my life and I need to follow his lead, because when I do amazing things happen!

Oh, I'm also getting ready to start training for the Bellin Run... I think it's a 10K so I'm hoping to maybe find a 5K that is happening before it, but big deal... I'll walk/run it and enjoy the experience. I'm not worried about where I come in... just that I actually finish it! It's only 6.2 miles... seriously... like it's that far?!

Well, I'm glad to be back and will hopefully be writing more frequently as I truly miss it... I really haven't written much anywhere in the last year and I can tell I'm kinda full of stuff I gotta get out!

Outdoor Snow Mayhem

So this week has been a little crazy, but probably one of the most fun weeks I've had with my youth... voice or no voice.

It all started on Friday when I took a group of 14 jr. highers to camp for our district jr. high winter retreat. I have had a very nasty sinus infection for about a week and a 1/2 at this point and living on benedryl sinus. So Friday I spend the day cleaning my house for the person who is going to be watching my dog and realize that my voice doesn't sound so good, but no biggie. So we go to camp and had the greatest time.

HIGHLIGHTS:

I made my first snowangel since I was probably 3.

I played broomball for the first time ever and scored three goals, with two assists from one of my boys and one on my own! This is huge cause I suck at iceskating and i suck even more at walking on ice with no skates! Plus, one of the other boys scored a sneek attack goal when we were playing with two balls and no one was paying attention to the second ball.

Angle Ball- this is a game where there are two balls sitting atop two tetherball posts. There is a circle of orange cones set about 4 feet from the posts. The posts are set at opposite ends of a field. There are two teams and the goal is to knock down the ball from atop the opposite tetherball post. The trick is that you can run as long as you have the ball until you are tagged by someone from the other team, then you have to stop and pass the ball. If the ball hits the ground it's the other teams ball.
Anyway, this is my kids favorite game. We play it every year at Confirmation camp and in the snow it kinda leveled the running playing field a little bit and made for some probably illegal "tackles" but it was one of the best games EVER! We had so much fun!

Losing my voice- So Sunday morning I lost my voice completely. I play charades with my girls to get them to wake up and give them directions for cleaning, breakfast, showers, etc. We then went to our closing singing and devotion. The kids had been singing a song calls "He's Able" which is an echo song that different large groups of kids are invited up to lead the rest of the group. Well at the end Quik (the counselor) says that there was someone who had asked to lead the group all by themselves, and that he wasn't so sure at first but he was gonna let 'em try. And then said, "Would Kristy please come up!" HAHAHA... so I go up and another counselor offers me a mic... now I have ZERO voice and probably 100-150 people (mostly kids) there. So I "led" the group. It was quite hilarious and would have probably made a great movie.

I do have to say that my kids were awesome, very attentive, and ready to do as ordered... as soon as I finished writing. It became quite laughable and a lot of fun and very memorable.

So anyway, my voice is just starting to come back but I probably still should reast it for at least another 24 hours because I sound like Kermit the Frog on steriods! I do have to say that I don't envy people who are mute. Not being able to talk to people was not easy, and it would drive me nuts when someone would ask me a question and then turn their back from me. Or not being able to answer the phone because you sound at BEST like a stalker! It is such a blessing to see how people work together to help compensate for one person not being able to communicate, and everyone around me is getting really good at charades!

So I'm out!

My Grass is Pretty Green

So yesterday turned into a very spiritually uplifting day and it's carried over into today. My friend Hannie and I decided to hold each other accountable in our time with God and so we're spending time alone reading Romans but then coming together (over the phone, it's a little hard to travel 1,000 miles three times a week or so) and discussing the scriptures and cross referencing and really digging in together and it was great! Then we spent time praying for our families, friends, our selves, our ministries, and even better three of each of our kids for their particular struggles or triumphs. This was probably the best time spent in God's Word in a long time, and I loved it! Not that I didn't love God's Word, but it was a chore to get in there and let God speak and not try and do it myself. And that's hard because I think all of us go through these times of struggle with God's Word. Some of us power through and know God will prevail and others of us fall of the wagon so to speak. Either way, I'm feeling blessed.

Better yet, we both started off with fresh Concordia Self-Study Bibles because while we both have them, they are filled with class notes, notes about how to make scripture apply to our ministry, notes on how we were struggling or God was triumphing in our lives at that time, and decided that we needed a clean slate to begin a new path with God in our lives. This was so exciting, but the hardest part is now it seems like we have a ton of reading to do because these Bibles are so unread!

So, we had been talking as we were planning all of this and I mentioned how I really wanted to read Hosea because I had never actually read it and it was calling out my name. So we'd talked about maybe doing it after we'd read through Romans. So, I mentioned something to my pastor about wanting to read it and he laughed at me. Apparently, the Tues. morning Bible study that I go to had just started it the week before (I'd spent the day with the preschool kids that morning) and so not only did I get to dig into Romans yesterday, I also got to begin my dig into Hosea. I've always loved the Tuesday morning group because my pastor is so knowlegable but also very passionate about his faith and how it interacts with his life! So learning about Hosea is even better because I'm being guided by someone who I admire and know is teaching God's Word and from his heart because he does have the heart of God.

Now even better is that Romans was one of my favorite books of the Bible to read before, but this time through it's already got new applications that I never realized before and there is even more this time through than the last time through and it's glorious! Praise God for roping Hannie and I in and saying now is the time! Praise God for hearing my desire to learn about Hosea (cause I'm probably a little Gomerish) and Praise God for the ability to pray and lift the names of those we love to him!

Feeling a lot like a Slacker

If you couldn't tell already, I'm going through a little bit of a slump. I know it's nothing major, but I'm just tired and lazy. I'm getting my work done, but really only the things that have to be done RIGHT NOW! I can tell that I was working a lot getting things ready for the beginning of the academic year and that I haven't taken much me time, but it's like now I'm doing over kill. I was up last night reading until almost 4am and didn't bother to wake up this morning. Didn't really care if I did or not. I'm going to one of my kids footballs games this afternoon and to a talk about youth and the media this evening, so it's not like I won't do stuff today. But really, who cares. I really wish I had a work ethic, but I don't. I only have one when I have to have one or get some manic desire to clean like I'm crazy.

But I'm a slacker, and I know I'm a slacker. I could get more done, but I apparently live by the procrastinators moto, "Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?"

I do have to say, that I'm slowly getting things done around the house. I finally bought a rug for my living room that I've been looking at for like 3 months and it's really pulled the room together. Now all I have to do is get some of my artwork framed so that at least one room in my house is complete. After that, I'm going to tackle my dining room, which is also on the verge of finished and then it's onto my office. So, by about the time Hell thaws out next spring, my house might start actually looking like a house and not like someone put their stuff in a house and left.

My goal is that by the middle of next week, even if there are no pictures that the main floor of my house will actually look like a home and not like a really crappy apartment. Somebody call me on it to see if I get it done!